101 Things Finland is Not Allowed to Do
by bkreed
Summary: Tino gets bored during a meeting and writes a list of what he has been told - numerous times - not to do.


1. I can't be called a wife.

2. I am male.

3. –I haven'tbeen called a wife for a while, anyways.

4. -Please tell this to everybody who makes fun of me for it.

5. –Once a good 300-500 years ago? Slip of the tongue.

6. I can't tell Estonia that I will beat him in the wife carrying contest this year.

7. –He gets defensive.

8. –Even though I've beaten him the past five years.

9. Apparently, I can't bring my food to work.

10. –Some people say it smells bad.

11. –They just have bad taste!

12. They haven't even tried fried vendance!

13. -Or Hernekeitto!

14. I am not allowed to hum _Ievan Polkka _while bored at meetings.

15. –It starts a chain reaction of groans.

16. –C'mon, it's a catchy song!

17. –Right?

18. If reminded about my problems with Russia, I should take it out on my target at home.

19. -Not him.

20. -Although I'm still able to get a good swing in. Maybe.

21. –And then somebody would have to step in…

22. -…because I'm not the _best _at handling my temper towards him.

23. –We have a bad history. Just leave it at that.

24. Teasing Sweden twenty-four/seven is unappreciated.

25. –About his glasses…

26. –Or his heavy accent…

27. –Or ABBA…

28. –Or anything Swedish, really.

29. –Did you know Swedes have distinctive smells?

30. –Like fruit and wood, with a hint of gay.

31. Asking Denmark how he holds up his hair is prohibited.

32. –He'll just say it's magic.

33. –I have proof it's not.

34. –It's really hair gel. And lots of it.

35. Reminding people that I have the best education is annoying.

36. –To everyone.

37. –I just like to brag about something; everybody else does it...

38. –I'm not going to stop, anyways.

39. Norway's faeries are real.

40. –Just don't disagree with him on it.

41. Getting into a 'coffee drinking contest' with Norway is a bad idea.

42. – I have surpassed Norway for country that drinks the most coffee, so I win, right?

43. –It'll end in stomach aches and vomiting.

44. –And arguing over who won.

45. Shouldn't sing _the Moomins_ theme song.

46. –It drives everyone insane.

47. –Just like _Ievan Polkka_.

48. -Not even the "_Käy Muumilaaksoon_" part…

49. People _will _look at me strangely if I mention rolling naked in the snow before running into the sauna.

50. –It's _fun_!

51. Telling Denmark, "_Äitisi nai poroja,"_ isn't nice.

52. –He can understand what I'm saying.

53. –He doesn't appreciate me telling him his mother copulates with reindeer.

54. "_Suksi vittuun_," isn't any better.

55. –Skiing into a cunt is not possible.

56. –Personally, I think it's a good insult.

57. When Christmas comes, I cannot come into the World Meetings dressed as Santa.

58. –America believes it.

59. –And the micronations want to all sit on my lap.

60. –It's quite distracting.

61. If people call refer to me as anything non-masculine, I cannot tell them to ski into a cunt.

62. –No matter how many times I hear it…

63. –No matter _how _many times Denmark asks where my make up stash is…

64. –And no matter _how _many times I have to tell Estonia that when he and Denmark were married, he was probably the less-masculine one too, too…

65. –I can't lose control.

66. Speaking of losing control…

67. –When Eurovision is brought up, I shouldn't get involved in the conversation.

68. –Not even if my song is made fun of.

69. –It pushes my buttons!

70. –And I _have _won, mind you.

71. Lordi is awesome; remember that.

72. I guess shouldn't bring up the Winter War around Russia.

73. –Because, no matter how hard I kicked his ass, he doesn't appreciate it.

74. –Neither does Belarus.

75. –(I really kicked his ass.)

76. –_All by myself._

77. My name is not Toni.

78.–Or Tina.

79. –This relates back to the fact that _I am not a girl._

80. I cannot play shoot 'em up games with my finger-guns at work.

81. -When people notice I'm shooting them, them glare at me.

82. -Well, some people join in.

83. -Then we work together to kill Sweden.

84. I may not hide Salmiakki in my drawers at my house, office, or car.

85. -It makes me fat, Norway says.

86. Norway and I shouldn't rig the speakers in the office to blare death metal when turned on.

87. –It'll wake nations that fell asleep during the meeting.

88. –And probably give some of the older ones heart attacks.

89. –We should really just bring coffee to everyone.

90. People won't listen to me when I say air guitar competitions are real.

91. When Russia brings up the Great Northern War, get away.

92. –It hurts, physically and mentally to think about it.

93. Making Russia jealous by mentioning I can handle my vodka better than him is not a smart idea.

94. –It will usually end in "who can drink more shots without passing out."

95. –I _always_ win.

96. –But hangovers suck.

97. I cannot tell Estonia I only visit for the cheap alcohol.

98. –It's not… fully true.

99. –Although the day usually does end in drinking.

100. –In which he pays.

101. Which is wonderful.

* * *

><p><strong>Some notes:<strong>

13. _Hernekeitto_ is Finnish pea soup.

46. "_Äitisi nai poroja,_" literally translates to, "Your mother copulates with a reindeer."

49. "_Suksi vittuun_," literally translates to, "Ski into a cunt."

67 references the Winter War; war between the Soviet Union and Finland. Began November 1939, ended ended March 1940.

90 references back to the Great Northern War, beginning in 1700 and ending in 1721. Swedish Empire vs Tsardom of Russia. Finland was a common battlegrounds and stuck in the middle; the Finns were occupied in 1713-1714, but the occupation period was ended around the time the battle did. This was known as the Greater Wrath.


End file.
